Ayudeme Dios!

"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

We've all said it..

Do you remember where you were and how you felt when you heard that JFK was shot? I do.  I also remember the exact moments and feelings upon discovering Bobby Kennedy's assassination, the Challenger explosion, World Trade Center attack, as well as being told that my grandmother had died and the moments I found out about my ex-husband's grandparents passing.

Each of those moments were filled with overwhelming shock, as well as, heartbreak, frozen in time.

Television, radio and the internet are full of reports about Robin Williams.  Is it possible that anyone in the world was not touched by him or at least one of the characters that he portrayed?  The world is grieving for the loss of one of those people who stands out from the crowd.

The first report I saw said, Robin Williams, 63, Dead from Apparent Suicide. The article continues, he was born in 1951, suffered from life-long bouts of deep depression...

Reading those words, the heartbreak was present, but shock? Shock was not a factor in my response. Not because I knew Mr. Williams and his history of depression but because of my own battle with depression.  You see, I was born in 1951, I am 63 and I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. It seemed that Williams and I were kindred spirits.

What did shock me about reading about his suicide was the thought "I get that." I understood the "why" behind the story.

I have been in those pits of hell so many times. I've sat in my car at the top of the launch ramp near Shasta Dam; car pointed towards the lake, wondering if the car could sink faster than the fishermen along the shore could get to me. Should I release the brake with windows up, to prevent a rescue or windows down, to sink faster. I driven along side the railroad tracks as a train approaches, tempted to crank the steering wheel, hard to the right.

Chronic depression is lonely.  If you tell someone how depressed you are, the response is almost always the same. "What do you have to be depressed about? You have a wonderful family, you have a nice home, you have your health!"

Robin Williams had all that and more. He had money in the bank, he had a family that loved him. Hell, he had a world that loved him. He probably never thought twice how he was going to pay the mortgage this month and still pay PG & E.

The darkness got him.  It took him down.

How dark and how lonely is too much?

How painful does it have to be that the fear of leaving the "legacy" of suicide to your family is no longer a legitimate reason to live?

My heart aches for Robin Williams; for the years of desperate moments that lead up to his last agonizing moments, for the loneliness he felt in the midst of a world that loved him. May he be in a place now, where he can see how bright his light shines and there exist no shadows to get lost in.