Showing posts with label Legacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Legacy. Show all posts

Friday, September 5, 2014

Anarchy At Poolside

The crew is not happy this morning! A whole range of emotions is poolside, anger, frustration, hurt, disgust, even a bit of self-righteous I-told-you-so but Happy is missing!

Mrs. Richardson is indignant! She is not one who likes surprises. She has requested, repeatedly, that she be informed of events that may or may not interrupt our plans.

Ms. Machado's feeling are hurt. She thinks she deserves more respect. She, too, has requested to be kept in the loop and would like an occasional invite to attend at times. Not always, but an occassional, "Hey, would you like to come with me, it would be fun!"

We all agree that a monotone, "You are certainly welcome to attend if you want!" after we have verbalized our dismay is unacceptable.

Hard to read Bill, he just keeps rolling the same cigarette and occassionaly quoting Olivia Goldsmith, "The secret to true happiness is a combination of low expectations and insensitivity!" 

I'm wondering if our expectations can get any lower! Believe me, we are working on the insensitivity!

Carly-Anne is curled up on a lawn chair. Purple and turquoise smears on her cheeks from wiping tears away. One should always wash the paint off your hands before crying! I'll have to talk to her about that, but not right now. I'm wondering if the tears are because of the event or our reaction to the event. 

Speaking of paint, Sinthya is painting her toe nails a bright royal blue and muttering something about "corazon curo" and"pedo desconsiderado" under her breath. When she isn't muttering she is ordering the rest of us to get our shit together because we are going out tonight to "termine de beber toda la bebida!" (my spanish is mucho rusty but I think that last line means "get hammered!")

Beatrice has her "bitch on"!  She is rocking out the I-told-you-so's! I'm  not sure that I've ever described Beatrice to you. She sports a perpetual frown which has welded a deep V in the space between her eyes. She is, maybe 5'2", her hair is grey, but not the beautiful silver-white and wild of BabaMara's but more a dreary salt and pepper, heavy on the salt pulled so tightly into a stingy little bun. A hairstyle one could only describe as stern! She always wears the same grey-blue housedress with sad, tiny pink flowers and tinier pink buttons up the front. The dress would probably fit well if it wasn't for her (as Bill has nicknamed them) "large-tracts-of-land" which she keeps imprisoned in a bra that could only have been designed and built for Viking warfare.  Hence the phrase we use when she is in full combat mode: Beatrice-got-her-knockers-up! The fabric is stretched to the maximum capacity across her bosom and the little pink buttons keep repeating, "I'm giving her all she's got, Captain!"  She has no butt to speak of, her legs are barely more than sticks and, honestly, I've seen more stylish shoes on the nuns at catechism in the 60's. She is a cross between Olive Oyl and Pamela Anderson with Maleficent's charm.

BabaMara is embroidering stars on a small velvet bag, while she sits under the plum tree with her back to us. My impression is that she is a little disgusted that we are all reacting with such depth of emotion. The only thing she said this morning was "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again with the expectation of different results!" She also commented that the juice should have less fruit and a little bit more green vegetables and ginger.

She's right, you know!

We do keep observing the same behavior, even participating in it in a very co-dependent, enabler-ish way; then being hurt and angry when the same thing happens again. Funny, "surprise" is never part of the equation, so why should hurt and anger be part of it? AAaaand, there should have been more endive and less pears in the juice!

We DO need to get our shit together!


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Ayudeme Dios!

"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

We've all said it..

Do you remember where you were and how you felt when you heard that JFK was shot? I do.  I also remember the exact moments and feelings upon discovering Bobby Kennedy's assassination, the Challenger explosion, World Trade Center attack, as well as being told that my grandmother had died and the moments I found out about my ex-husband's grandparents passing.

Each of those moments were filled with overwhelming shock, as well as, heartbreak, frozen in time.

Television, radio and the internet are full of reports about Robin Williams.  Is it possible that anyone in the world was not touched by him or at least one of the characters that he portrayed?  The world is grieving for the loss of one of those people who stands out from the crowd.

The first report I saw said, Robin Williams, 63, Dead from Apparent Suicide. The article continues, he was born in 1951, suffered from life-long bouts of deep depression...

Reading those words, the heartbreak was present, but shock? Shock was not a factor in my response. Not because I knew Mr. Williams and his history of depression but because of my own battle with depression.  You see, I was born in 1951, I am 63 and I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. It seemed that Williams and I were kindred spirits.

What did shock me about reading about his suicide was the thought "I get that." I understood the "why" behind the story.

I have been in those pits of hell so many times. I've sat in my car at the top of the launch ramp near Shasta Dam; car pointed towards the lake, wondering if the car could sink faster than the fishermen along the shore could get to me. Should I release the brake with windows up, to prevent a rescue or windows down, to sink faster. I driven along side the railroad tracks as a train approaches, tempted to crank the steering wheel, hard to the right.

Chronic depression is lonely.  If you tell someone how depressed you are, the response is almost always the same. "What do you have to be depressed about? You have a wonderful family, you have a nice home, you have your health!"

Robin Williams had all that and more. He had money in the bank, he had a family that loved him. Hell, he had a world that loved him. He probably never thought twice how he was going to pay the mortgage this month and still pay PG & E.

The darkness got him.  It took him down.

How dark and how lonely is too much?

How painful does it have to be that the fear of leaving the "legacy" of suicide to your family is no longer a legitimate reason to live?

My heart aches for Robin Williams; for the years of desperate moments that lead up to his last agonizing moments, for the loneliness he felt in the midst of a world that loved him. May he be in a place now, where he can see how bright his light shines and there exist no shadows to get lost in.