Life Review Part I

It started with throwing a load of towels in the washer.  Granted, we have a pool, but there is only my husband and myself living here.  I did a load of towels three days ago yet I counted 10+ towels as I tossed them into the washer. 

Side note: I wasn't actually the one counting! Mrs. Richardson started the counting, which will come as no surprise to any of you. She is of the mind that an immense amount of waste and inefficiency goes on around here!  It went something like:

7...8...9..(passive aggressive sigh)...10...

An acapella chorus of "shut up's" interrupts her count. 

We know she continued to count under her breath as the occasional passive aggressive sighs continued and could not, in any way, be construed to be "under her breath."

Once the washer started its cycle, Mrs. Richardson stepped into the kitchen and caught the entire crew gathered around the island dipping spoons into a jar of nectarine-jalapeno jam.  

(Cue the sigh!)  "If we are all so well integrated in one cohesive personality is there any reason for separate towels and separate spoons?"  

I often wonder if she was born with her hands on her hips, it comes so natural to her. Maybe she was a Marine drill sergeant in a past life!

We ignored her. We know it's rude but we pick our battles. While we all know that ignorance is bliss, we have also discovered that ignoring can be blissful, too.

After the last spoon was rinsed and deposited into the dishwasher, BabaMara reached into one of her many pockets, pulling out a folded sheet of rainbow colored paper with a long list of questions scrawled on one side.  "As long as we are all present and accounted for..." (was that another one of those p.a. sighs that we are so good at ignoring?)...I believe that we are due for a Life Review!"

BabaMara believes as Socrates believed, "an unexamined life is not worth living!"

Beatrice, being the grump that she is, hates examining anything but other people's mistakes, miscalculations and manipulations! God forbid she should be forced to examine her own!  I, for one, believe that if she were to closely examine her own mistakes & miscalculations & manipulations, she might slip into the ethers. While that may leave the rest of us in peace, it would only give us Mrs. Richardson to harass and Carly-Anne to tease and where is the fun in that? Beatrice is a challenge and dodging flying objects is the only serious exercise we get!

"What positive changes have you made to your life?" BabaMara asks, looking directly into my eyes (which, by the way, is a difficult trick to accomplish from the inside!).

I passed my turn on to Carly-Anne, who was doodling on a napkin! 

"What? Why are you all looking at me?" 

"Pay attention Carly-Anne." BabaMara repeated the question as she gently took the pencil from Carly-Anne and dropped it into one of her deepest pockets.

"Mmm, well..."

"Deep subject"

"Stop it, Bill!"

Carly-Anne continued her stammering, "I, uh, I spend a lot more time in the studio drawing and sculpting Rosaries and less time baking brownies and melting butter for popcorn. When I can't sleep, I get up to paint instead of tossing and turning!"

"Very nice, Carly-Anne, you've come a long way. Ms. Machado, what have you done lately in the way of positive changes to your life?"

"Our Kindle is the most positive change for me. I can read, read, read. I don't have to wait for a ride to Barnes and Noble or the library. What a miracle of technology!"

I happen to agree with Ms. Machado, mostly! I love the Kindle but there are still those tomes that need to be held, to be highlighted and underlined. There are stories that need the scent of paper and ink, the tactile experience of page turning, to be fully realized. If you are reading to a child, there is a certain suspense and excitement that builds as each page is slowly turned.

As I write these thoughts, I look around and everyone, including Mrs. Richardson and Beatrice are nodding. It's nice to know that there some things we agree on!

"Bill? What about you?"

"Let me e'splain...no, there is too much, let me sum up..."

"No Princess Bride, Bill! What positive changes have YOU made?"

"In the past week alone I have watched The Abominble Dr. Phibes four times, The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai in the Eigth Dimension 8 times, Post Cards From The Edge several times. The couple of times Machado, over there, put down the dang Kindle, I read four of Koontz's  Odd Thomas books. Man! I picked up some great material!" Pulling the Marlboro box from his sleeve to roll his own cigarette he continued. "You'll all be able to relate to this one. "Given my heritage and the ordeal of my childhood, I sometimes wonder why I myself am not insane. Maybe I am!""

"Nothing like maximal ambition!" Oh Beatrice! Where's the tolerance?

BabaMara raised one eyebrow as she pulled a pretty little jelly jar from one of her many pockets and placed it in front of Beatrice, who immediately motioned a tick-tock, tick-a-lock-throw-away-the-key with lips pressed tightly closed.

"Beatrice, what positive change have you made?"

Beatrice pointed to her firmly closed mouth! The gang applauded and congratulated her for a job well done! Wouldn't it be nice if she really threw away the key?

"Dear Sinthya, it's your turn!"

"So much, so much. I tossed out those monstrous flannel sheets from our bed and replaced them with soft bamboo linens. I purchased 3 bottles of Opi polish, Umpires Come Out At Night which our toes are beautifully wearing," (all heads duck under the table for a peek) "Blue My Mind to go with my new bra and bikinis and some silly little pink for Carly-Anne when she cleans the clay out from under her nails.  I stocked the refrigerator with some feta and blue cheese, green grapes...and...let me think....oh, I replace the batteries in...."

"Thank you, Sinthya! You are very thoughtful!"

"De nada, Senora Baba, es mi placer."

"Mrs. Richardson?"

 "Yes! I sharpened all my pencils, I arranged the pantry items in alphabetical order and I finished the flyer that you all kept putting off for weeks."

Have you ever seen seven characters do a completely synchronous eye roll?

"BaraMara , y usted?"

"Positive changes I have made to my life!" BabaMara fluffs her skirt and pulls out another rainbow colored sheet of paper. She reads, "I promised myself to count to 13 before depositing anyone into a jelly jar and to use only the prettiest jelly jars from now on. I danced in the light of the full moon, I listened to the angels play their cellos while swimming in the dark of the new moon.  I sewed four extra pockets onto my favorite skirt and filled them with mugwort for lucid dreaming, cedar and sandlewood for the third eye and sea shells just because I like them. Saturday evening I took plum jam to the elves and they treated me to jasmine brandy and barbequed mushrooms. I have a massage scheduled for tonight and tomorrow morning we will have french toast with honeysuckle syrup."

Sitting a little taller around the table, we immersed ourselves in the positive energy of self care.

"Can we go?" whispered Carly-Anne.

"No, we have more questions to answer!"

"Can't we examine our lives tomorrow?"

Bill might spent the last week absorbed in cult classics but he never gives up on the old standby, Groundhog Day,

 "What if there isn't a tomorrow? There wasn't one today!"

Swimming

Monday morning and it is already hot. I'm trying to convince the team ( I use the word loosely) to go for a morning swim.

Sinthya and BabaMara are all in, Carrie-Anne is jonesing to get back to the studio and clay, Mrs. Richardson is demanding that Monday's are for getting things accomplished, Ms. Machado is reading Exodus Lost and is absolutely refusing to be disturbed.

Bill is not interested in sitting in the heat while we enjoy the water. He doesn't get in because moisture is not good for his Marlboro hardback. He keeps it rolled up in his t-shirt sleeve and refuses to be seen without it...his image, you know! He says since the new neighbors cut all their trees down, destroying the privacy of our backyard, swimming is no longer fun! I believe he is referring to the wearing of swimsuits is required now, before we just stripped at poolside and dove in.

Have I told you that we don't like the new neighbors?  Chopped down the trees, mangled our hedge and massacred theirs and now, hammering starts at 6 or 6:30 every morning, especially Saturday and Sunday and continues until 10:300 p.m. They can stand in their windows (split level floorplan) and see everything in our pool.

I'm considering swimming in the nude just to scare the crap out of them!

Beatrice is still sleeping, which, to be honest is always a good thing. This morning, though, I am thinking that a grand cannon ball off the diving board would do her some good!

Sorry, Ms. Machado and Bill, the votes are in and swimming it is!

Introducing "The Crew"

I took a class several years ago which really changed my life. One of the exercises was to  to dig deep and find 5 characters who live inside you and are part of you. They represent the subtle and not so subtle aspects of your personality. To name them one by one and fully describe and flesh-out of each of them.

So I dug down....didn't really have to dig too deep because the characters inside me were fighting for recognition and pushing and shoving to get to the front of the line.

I would like to introduce them to you, the Council of Adrianne:

Friends and Aquaintances, Ladies and Gentlemen, please meet, Sinthya, the spanish senorita of ill repute; Carly, the Hungry Artist; BabaMara; the cuddly nurturing grandmother,  who is magical, mystical and wise, Mrs. Richardson, the responsible adult (yawn) and, of course, Bill! 

Since the class, I have discovered the pleasant teacher, Ms. Machado and, sadly but honestly, Beatrice, who is snarky and a tad bit sarcastic and scornful! 

Sinthya 

Sinthya (accent on the sin) is a spanish senorita of ill repute (retired...mostly), her breasts are firm and her nails are painted! "Sin" (that is what we friends call her) is all about the sensuous. She loves hot baths with lots of bubbles, oils and candles and an open bottle of Amaretto in a hand-blown liquer glass at the tub's edge.

She loves to dance, but none of that soft-shoe wishy-washy stuff....Sinthya does the flamenco. Stomping of feet and tossing of head, flipping of skirt....aaahhh, check out those legs and that red slip.....oh mama!

She is tall and voluptuos. She only wears matching bras and panties and can create quite a disturbance if BabaMara wants to slip into those cotton grandma panties that can tuck into the 18-hour bra....(when she remembers to wear it).

There was an 8th personality, Susie-Homemaker, who was brutally murdered by Sinthya after organizing the friends' underwear drawer by color and suggesting that we could save money by foregoing the ultra-soft quilted toilet paper and purchasing bulk TP at Costco. Wistfully, none of us really misses Susie and we're not sure where Sinthya hid the body.

Sinthya loves the scent, taste and texture of all things including food, sex and drink. Whatever she does, it is all about the sensuosness and richness of it. She loves bed but rises early every morning to drink her tea or coffee outside, while the morning mist rises from the lawn and pool, just so she can return to bed, fluff the pillow, tuck the sheets around her and drift off into the land of Mornings Dreams, ah delicioso!

Bill
Bill is forever 39, lanky, loves hats of all kinds, though he can usually be seen neatly tucked under an Indiana Jones' fedora. He typically wears worn levis, a white t-shirt with a Marlboro hard pack rolled up in his left sleeve. He doesn't actually smoke Marlboros though, the box has loose tabacco and papers in it and he rolls his own. Bill loves a cold beer on a hot afternoon, preferably a Del Pacifico or Ice House brew.

He has three, count them, 1..2..3..addictions. Watching People, Watching Movies and Reading Books. He spends the rest of his time quoting the said people, movies and books.

Often when Carly (the Artist) gathers all the cleaning supplies and prepares to give the house a thorough going over (hell, someone's gotta do it since Susie-Homemaker's early demise) she gathers said supplies and rags and sponges, goes to one end of the house and Bill announces in a clear, masterful voice...."Gentlemen, start your engines."

When the sound of an engine is heard in the driveway and the Friends (the group of characters) check out the window and see that the Mother of Adrianne has come to visit, Bill trades in his levis for a tuxedo and in his very best Michael Buffer voice announces..."Lllllleeeeeettttttssssss Rumble!"

Anytime people are starting to get aggitated with each other, Bill whispers that great quote from Monty Pythons Holy Grail, "People, lets not bicker about who killed who!"

Bill's repertoire is constantly growing and he is always....always whispering some appropriately irreverant statement and making me smile at the most inappropriate times.

Carly. The Artist

The Artist....We call her Carly at the moment, but she changes her name like she changes her underwear, well, actually she often forgets to wear underwear but it is purely unintentional. She puts the undies on the bed but by the time she has showered she has forgotten that she put them out (and is running a little late anyway) so doesn't wear them ~ kind of by default.

She is often distracted by beautiful sunsets, incredibly blue water, clouds that resemble angels and turtles and castles and yes, just clouds, really big clouds.

Carly is actually distracted by most things....she even keeps a little paper taped to the phone at work so that when she answers it, she can look down and see where she is just, in case she forgets!

She and Bill have a love hate relationship. Carly will often start to tell a story....oh she does love a good story...and after several minutes of meandering around the story she will often stop herself and mutter, "..well, to make a long story short...." in which Bill always responds with, "Too Late!"

Carly loves art, she loves to create, to paint, to draw, to write. She often is not as productive as she would like to be because she is kind of the runt of the Adrianne-Crew (friends). When we have certain tasks and responsibilities that we don't really want to do or feel said tasks are menial and undeserving of our status, Carly is the one who gives up her time to clean up after us.

 ("Would you like some cheese and crackers with that whine?" asks Bill somewhat lovingly....

"Shut up you, asshole!"

"No, you shut up!"

"No, you shut up!"

"Kids! Don't make me turn you into frogs again!")

Oh, I have so much to tell you about BabaMara, the mystical, magical old woman of the council?)
 
Well, as usual, the spotlight is off of Anna....oops, did I forget to tell you that Carly has changed her name...she is really into sculpture at the moment, especially the work of Anna Vaughn Hyatt Huntington and would like to be called Anna...

 ("I know you can get the job, but can you do the job"

"Shut up, Bill!"

"No, you shut up!"

"Kids!")

So, anyway, Car......Anna loves to create, but she doesn't have a lot of time for it, she is much too busy taking care of....."

 "Carly-Anne, stop making excuses....just get out there and create or I will turn you into a frog!"
 
A little sidenote, the Crew wanted to listen to The Fray but Carly-Anne had suggested we kick back and listen to the Sound track of Pajama Game but then they suggested that maybe Carly-Anne could just go in the kitchen and bake up some brownies while we rock-out.....and she did!

As I dug around in the depths of us, looking for different aspects of my personality, I discovered Ms. Richardson. I hadn't noticed her before because, while the other aspects were jumping up and down demanding attention, Ms. Richardson was hard at work.

Ms. Richardson is quite intelligent, her IQ tests have never fallen below 136 and often top 140. She is also very creative, much like Carly, uh, Anna, Carly-Anne ("with a hyphen" as Carly-Anne has been heard to state). but unlike Carly-Anne, Mrs. Richardson gets down to work.

Mrs. Richardson designs web sites and brochures, she is an event planner and great marketing specialist.

Mrs. Richardson is very mature, she is a self-starter; very capable. She wears fashionable yet comfortable shoes but dresses much more professionally than the rest of the council. She is often down-right upset with us because we might grab a burger on the rush and drop mustard on one of her really nice blouses or sweaters. (though Carly-Anne is quite capable at getting the stains out).

Mrs. Richardson loves her books, always non-fiction, she loves the etymology of words, debating politics and creating marketing plans and writing grants. Research is her love and forte. She and Bill will often argue over which books we are going to read next, which books we will keep and which will be tossed out or passed to Carly-Anne for her art.

We think Ms. Richardson is English and that her first name might be Edna but we really don't know for sure and quite frankly none of us is really brave enough to ask.

She is a no nonsense women. She eats, but only small delicate sandwiches, drinks her coffee black, always asks for "just half, thank you" when offered any food item.

She enjoys sex but merely as a perfunctory habit to keep her complexion clear and help her sleep, she would never do it in the morning and sure as hell is not going to do it under the trees in the forest or on the beach in broad daylight, like Sinthia...."that is purely an inappropriate use of time." (She says that about a lot of the things we do....we do them anyway!)

We all call Mrs. Richardson, Mrs. Richardson, and if you dare ask her what her friends call her, she firmly responds, "Mrs. Richardson".

She is responsible, reliable, trustworthy, prompt and makes sure we shower daily and pay the bills on time. She is in charge of the finances and grocery shopping lists.

I will introduce you to the rest of the Crew in the next post, it seems that Carly-Anne and Mrs Richardson are arguing over what's-for-dinner. Mrs. Richardson would like a salad, a meat dish, a vegetable dish and mashed potatoes and Carly thinks we should run to Carl's Jr. I'm going to back Carly-Anne up because I could really use a little cheesecake while I contemplate why I would introduce our Spanish senorita of ill-repute first!