Ayudeme Dios!

"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

We've all said it..

Do you remember where you were and how you felt when you heard that JFK was shot? I do.  I also remember the exact moments and feelings upon discovering Bobby Kennedy's assassination, the Challenger explosion, World Trade Center attack, as well as being told that my grandmother had died and the moments I found out about my ex-husband's grandparents passing.

Each of those moments were filled with overwhelming shock, as well as, heartbreak, frozen in time.

Television, radio and the internet are full of reports about Robin Williams.  Is it possible that anyone in the world was not touched by him or at least one of the characters that he portrayed?  The world is grieving for the loss of one of those people who stands out from the crowd.

The first report I saw said, Robin Williams, 63, Dead from Apparent Suicide. The article continues, he was born in 1951, suffered from life-long bouts of deep depression...

Reading those words, the heartbreak was present, but shock? Shock was not a factor in my response. Not because I knew Mr. Williams and his history of depression but because of my own battle with depression.  You see, I was born in 1951, I am 63 and I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. It seemed that Williams and I were kindred spirits.

What did shock me about reading about his suicide was the thought "I get that." I understood the "why" behind the story.

I have been in those pits of hell so many times. I've sat in my car at the top of the launch ramp near Shasta Dam; car pointed towards the lake, wondering if the car could sink faster than the fishermen along the shore could get to me. Should I release the brake with windows up, to prevent a rescue or windows down, to sink faster. I driven along side the railroad tracks as a train approaches, tempted to crank the steering wheel, hard to the right.

Chronic depression is lonely.  If you tell someone how depressed you are, the response is almost always the same. "What do you have to be depressed about? You have a wonderful family, you have a nice home, you have your health!"

Robin Williams had all that and more. He had money in the bank, he had a family that loved him. Hell, he had a world that loved him. He probably never thought twice how he was going to pay the mortgage this month and still pay PG & E.

The darkness got him.  It took him down.

How dark and how lonely is too much?

How painful does it have to be that the fear of leaving the "legacy" of suicide to your family is no longer a legitimate reason to live?

My heart aches for Robin Williams; for the years of desperate moments that lead up to his last agonizing moments, for the loneliness he felt in the midst of a world that loved him. May he be in a place now, where he can see how bright his light shines and there exist no shadows to get lost in.

Act III

Acts I and II of my life have come and gone. It appears that the curtains have closed for a short Intermission.

The characters are changing costumes, refreshing making-up, maybe, even, going pee-pee!

We know it's just a matter of time before the lights dim, the curtains open, and Act III will begin!

Damn it, I can't find the script!

Is it possible I forgot to bang out a script? I was kind of busy during Acts I and II, school, children, loves and lovers, broken heart. and soaring heart, but, still...who does that? Who forgets to write the third Act?  I bet William Shakespeare never had this problem. The playwright, Keith Passmore wrote The Last Time I Saw Paris.  It was a comedy but I bet he had the third act written before he  went into casting.  What was I thinking?

The crew and I dodge into the props room. We've to jot down some quick notes, some key ideas before the curtain go up!

"Hell, I've got this! We'll wing it!"

Well, of course, Bill's whole existence is winging it. While I sincerely want him to join us in Act III, I am not willing to wander around the next 30 years of my life waiting to respond to the conversations and actions of others. Neither are any of the rest of us, with the exception of Beatrice. If Beatrice joins us in Act III, we are going to insist that she read the Tao of Pooh (as many times as it takes).

Mrs. Richardson brings us paper and a very sharp pencil.

We jot down a quick outline.

ACT III

  I.   Pro-active
       A.  Initiators or Responders?  

("I know you can get the job, but can you do the job!"
  "Bill, please, not now!")

    We vote.    Initiators? 7 votes. Responders, 1 vote.

Initiators it is!

(Note to self: Make sure Beatrice understands difference between Initiator and Instigator!)

 II.  Change

      A. Is "Because that's the way we've always done it" a valid reason?  7 nays, 1 yay (She'll get over it)
      B. Is "But I've never done that before" a valid excuse?  8 nays (Thumbs up, Peeps!)
      C. Is "But I'm afraid" a valid excuse? 4 to 4 ~ (We'll have to work on that one.)

III.  Adventure

       Myra Lipinsky a "woman of a certain age" in the book Never Change believes her life has been like the girl who sits in the hall with a cigar box on her lap selling tickets to the prom but never attending the prom.

      A. "Are we going to the prom this time around?" I ask the troupe.  Yays have it! Unanimous!

("Oh, mis queridos, I shall wear midnight blue chiffon!"
"It's a metaphor, Sinthya, not a real prom!
"Si, I know, but I need the perfect dress for a metaphor!") 

 IV. Third Party Influence

      A.  Will we let "What will people think?" influence our actions?   

Me:  "No!"

Ms. Machado:  "No!"

BabaMara:  "Absolutely Not!"

Carly-Anne:  "...mmm...maybe a little...."

Beatrice:  "Hell, No!"

Mrs. Richardson:  "We must conduct ourselves in a manner....."  (Really, Mrs. Richardson, aren't there some figures that need to be added up; somewhere? anywhere?"

Sinthya:  "Seriously, you ask me this question! Have I ever worried what people think?"

Five "NO's, we've got a majority.

Take your places everyone! Dim the lights,! Cue the curtains! Still no script but we can work with what we've got for now!

Let Act III begin!

Discussion At Dawn

Art courtesy of diviantart.com

A writer's club I belong to did a little exercise a couple of years ago. We were to imagine being able to go back in time to visit our self at age 20. It seemed pretty straightforward and easy-peasy but after a little contemplation, I really thought hard about what I would tell myself at 10, 16 and 20.  I've also wondered what the 20-years-older-than-me would say to me today if she showed up at the front door.

Sitting by the pool early this morning, my feet in the water and a blanket wrapped around my shoulders, I wondered what the members of the crew would say to their past selves. It occurred to me that a couple of them might not have been around when I was 20, so I asked them!

1. Would your 20 year old self recognize you when you first meet?

BabaMara:  "Of course I would, Honey. I am as old as the wind and the wind always recognizes itself. "

Mrs. Richardson: "You can be sure I would be too busy doing something constructive rather than sitting around looking for irresponsible adults from the future! Can we at least go to the laundry room so that I can organize the shelves while you conduct this nonsense!"

Bill: "Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'less you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of." (Sarah Orn Jewet)

Ms. Machado: "Yes."

Beatrice: "Keep the ruckus down. Some of us are trying to sleep here!"

Carlie-Anne: "This sunrise reflecting on the water would be so wonderful to paint. Look at that sky! It is glorious, simply glorious.....What?.....Oh, uh, would my younger self recognize me? Yeah, maybe, probably."

Sinthya: "I will tell only if we drop the blanket and let us slip into the water for a morning swim. That's it, now toss off this silly t-shirt!  Feel the water caress your shoulders?"

We lost Sinthya in the sensuousness of warm water in the coolness of dawn.


2. Would your younger self be surprised to discover what type of work you are doing or did?

BabaMara:  "Magic is magic, my dear. I surprise myself everyday at what I am doing or can do but that I am magic does not surprise me nor would it surprise a younger me."

Mrs. Richardson: "Of course not! I have always been and will always be efficient. She would just be shocked that I teamed up with such an irresponsible, disorganized bunch of misfits! Where would you all be if it wasn't for me?"

Bill:  "I know you can get the job, but can you do the job?" (Joe vs The Volcano)

Ms. Machado:  "I was born to teach! I will always teach. What good is knowledge if it isn't shared?"

"Exactly what I think about magic!" interjected BabaMara!

Beatrice:  Loud snoring from her corner! She must have stayed under the blanket when we slipped into the pool.

Carlie-Anne: I think I would be surprised that I picked up my paints and brushes again, in fact, I am still surprised today. We still remember the critical censure of our little house with the picket fence and yellow curtains.

"What about you Sinthya? Would your younger self be surprised about what kind of work you did?

Sinthya: "Si."  Doing the backstroke!

"Would you like to elaborate?"

Sinthya: "No!"


3. What piece of fashion advice would you give your younger self?

BabaMara: "Keep it loose and flowing. We look good in blues and purples.  Large pockets; always have large pockets;  one never knows when one might find something magical that wants to come home with you. Skirts should be full for elves and brownies might need to travel with you through crowded places."

Mrs. Richardson: "Hand wash silk blouses. Never wash a linen skirt; dry clean only. Do not purchase anything that is 100% cotton, you will spend more time ironing the garment than wearing it. Always keep safety pins in your purse for the days the elastic in your panties gives out. Never wear white shoes, even after Easter, they make your feet look big...."

Bill:  "Marlboro Hardpack. Softpacks crumble...not cool!"

Ms. Machado: "Invest in pencil skirts and sweater sets, they never go out of style. Never more than a 2" heel. Keep make-up light and natural. Always have emergency feminine products in your purse."

Beatrice:  zzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ

Carrie~Anne: "Wash out the paint  in your clothes before it sets. Shoes, bras and panties are optional."

Sinthya: "I shall take her shopping! Fashion is not to talk about but to experience!"


4.  What do you think your younger self is going to want to know?
 
BabaMara: "Always have a couple of large pickle jars sitting on the shelf.. Bullies will fit in jelly jars but there needs to be space for their nastiness. Remember to put holes in the lids for air but make sure the holes are tiny so the nasty doesn't leak. When you meet the man with the tall black boots, white open shirt and bronze tan, go to the forest with him. He will teach you many things. Plant the orchard. Don't plant the herbs low where the dog can pee on them. Listen to your dreams."

photo courtesy of www.inspiredgiftgiving.com

Mrs. Richardson: "When the big blue bus full of misfits stops on the corner of Morse Street and Newhall, DO NOT BOARD IT! Wait for the Downtown bus!  Always carry an eraser, a pencil and a pen and an extra battery for your watch. Check under your car and the back seat before getting in.  Don't ever, ever, ever let Carrie-Anne drive."


Bill:  "When an argument is over, you will always think of more clever shit to say."

 Ms. Machado: "Read everything you get your hands on. If it's good, read it again and again. Never lose your patience with someone who is trying. To be true to yourself you will have to get used to not being liked by some and that's okay."

Beatrice: zzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzZZZ

Carrie-Anne:  "You CAN BE your own boss. You CAN BE your own boss. You CAN BE your own boss. You CAN BE your own boss."

Sinthya:  "Feel! Smell! See! Dance! Sing! Make love! Dance some more! Taste! Listen! Live like you mean it!"


5. What is something that you wouldn't tell your younger self? 

BabaMara:  "There is nothing I wouldn't tell my younger self if she asks, though I might leave bits and pieces of it to find out on her own!"

Mrs. Richardson: "Honesty is the best policy."

Bill: "Hey, Mrs. R,  I was going to say that! No, I wasn't, I lied!  Ask away, Young Bill, let's find out what I wouldn't tell you!"

Ms. Machado:  "I wouldn't tell her 2 + 2 = 5! I wouldn't tell her always i before e. I wouldn't tell her that using correct grammar is unimportant. I wouldn't ever tell her that the movie will be better than the book!"

Beatrice: "Jesus!, Really, people? Could you be any louder?"

Carrie-Anne:  "Can I do that? Can I choose not to tell her something?"

Sinthya:   "Ah, I would not ruin for her the week in Barcelona with Alejandro; that she will have to experience on her own."

And with that comment, steam rises from the pool! We are going to have to ask her to tell us about Barcelona!



6. What do you think would surprise your younger self about you?

BabaMara:  "Certainly not dancing sky clad in the moonlight! Let me think...."

Mrs. Richardson:  "Nothing. We do not like surprises!"

Bill: "Well, he would certainly be surprised that I live with 7 women and I play with our breasts in the shower!....What? Is that too much?"

Ms. Machado:  "I haven't been in a Bookmobile in years and years. I lived for Thursdays when the Bookmobile would park under our cherry trees and I could choose from so many books!"

Beatrice:  "To be honest, the younger Beatrice was quiet, gentle, naive! Well, we ain't no more and that's the way we like it!"

Carrie-Anne:  "I can stand up for myself....sometimes!"

Sinthya: "Everything and Nothing! We have always been alive! We have always danced instead of sit. We sing instead of mope. We fly instead of walk."

BabaMara: "After giving it much thought, my younger self would be surprised that I don't turn men that talk to my chest, rather than my face, into toads. I used to do that a lot when I was younger!"

Finally,  #7. When did you join me on this crazy ride called life?

BabaMara: "For the record, I have been with you many life times and will accompany you in many more."

Mrs. Richardson:  "I saw you sitting in the window of a big blue bus and you looked perplexed! Thinking I might be of some assistance, I boarded the bus. Heaven help me. Little did I know that all of you were on board. Of course, that explains the look of confusion on your face as you stared out the window.

Bill: "We met the day Mr. Hall told you how to get your tongue unstuck from the gap in your teeth!  I heard your laugh and knew we were made for each other!"

Ms. Machado: Sixth grade. You were sitting at the second desk next to the window. Floating above your head was a pretty purple sign with a unicorn on it. It read:

Wanted

Life-Long-Learning Companion

 I applied and got the job!"

Beatrice: "I didn't join, I evolved! Believe me, I am not here to stay. You are all bat-shit crazy!"

Carrie-Anne: "Don't you remember? God sent me with your first pack of crayons. Sorry I broke the yellow but it was a tight fit in that little green box."

Sinthya: "Mi querido amiga, tell me please you haven't forgotten! It was amazing. I will find the journal entry.  We will read it together and, ole', you will remember the day we met with all of your heart and soul."


There you have it! Is it any wonder that I am such a hot-mess at times?  Thankfully, they are all integrated into my personality. Typically, the only problem they cause is Bill's irrelevance at inappropriate times and my inability not to respond with a smile. If Mrs. Richardson and Beatrice were in control, we would have much more control. Alas, BabaMara, Ms. Machado, Sinthya and I have way too much power in this little group! As Sinthya says, We "live like we mean it!"

 What about you? What age would you like to visit a younger you? What would you share?